


Special Guest

by Maisie_top_trash



Series: Unseen - Fear Will Lose [15]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Hallucinations, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Mourning, OCD, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Public Speaking, Recovery, Schizoaffective Disorder, Self Harm, bereavement, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-22
Updated: 2016-11-22
Packaged: 2018-09-01 12:17:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8624182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: Unseen Fear Will Lose is a series of single chapter stories showing unseen scenes from the same universe as my main story, Fear Will Lose. In order to fully enjoy these extra bits, I recommend you go and read that first.Fear Will Lose Tyler, aged 36, has been asked to speak at a psychology class for a nearby university. The extract takes place after the whole Fear Will Lose story and the majority of the Unseen extracts. It's from after When The First Cup of Coffee..., but before Worth a Thousand Words. It also has multiple references to other parts of the storyline, feel welcome to ask in the comments on their location.Enjoy x





	

As Tyler sat in the front row of the lecture hall watching the psychology professor introduce him, Todd rubbed his thigh supportively. Tyler smiled at the younger man as both anxiety but most prominently excitement built in his stomach.

Before he knew it, the professor - a friend of Todd's - was welcoming Tyler up to the front. He shook the gentleman's hand with a thank you, then took the small microphone he offered and clipped it to the collar of his shirt and turned to face the students.

There were about 140 in total, most of whom were 15 years younger than him and all in the final year of their psychology major.

"Thank you for that Prof, and for those who didn't catch it, my name's Tyler Dun-Joseph and I'm here to bore you for the next hour. Now, I see a few familiar faces in the crowd from the talk I gave for the mental health charity Mind a couple of weeks ago, but for those who don't know me, here's a quick intro. I'm Tyler, I'm 36 and I love those Dyson airblade hand dryers and basically anything that's a mini version of something bigger. So of course I'm a ukulele man and I've got a mini human they call 'child'. I'm actually a music teacher by profession, and I've never studied psychology. I also hate big crowds and people looking at me, so you're probably wondering what exactly qualifies me to be up here. Well nothing actually. I have literally no qualifications in the human psyche." Tyler began, getting a few laughs.

"In fact I probably know less than you lot. However, depending on how much of a nerd you are, you might know me for my work with improving psychiatric hospitals and treatment in Ohio and Pennsylvania. I've been working on a project with my business partner and close friend Ryan, Ryan Hemmings, which has been enrolled across the two states, and we are in the midst of signing a contract to take it across to a branch of psych units in New York by the end of the year." He continued, walking casually around the stage.

"Now I'll get into it in more depth at a later point, but the Hemmings-Joseph Initiative focuses on the principle need of compassion within both inpatient and outpatient care of patients with psychotic illnesses. Our scheme involves training and workshops for staff working within the mental health sector, as well as education and support for friends and family. The tag line is pretty simple, pretty easy to understand, and yet seemingly pretty easily forgotten. The tag line is 'Still Human'." Tyler told the students, pacing across the space as the information sunk in and some scribbled notes.

"Those of you with good memories, which at your age I hope is all of you, will remember me saying that I am in no way qualified. Ryan is very qualified, in fact he couldn't be here today because he's working as a senior mental health nurse at Campbell Psychiatric Unit. He did this very course, got your very major, and he then went on to get his clinical degree and then straight into practice. So presumably he took a path that many of you here today are hoping to follow, and yet here I am. Well I bring something different to the table, with both The Initiative and your education. Ryan took your course, he was most likely told the exact same information that you've been. He knows everything from the textbook with the extra element of experience in providing treatment. However I'm not here to reiterate what you've already been taught, I'm here to give you the other angle, the point of view of one of those case studies you've read all about. The patient's."

"I was uh, I was doing this lecture at a university the other day and somebody heckled 'what's wrong with you then?' and was immediately hushed by the lecturer. She was trying to get him to apologise, saying they are medical conditions and he shouldn't say that they made me wrong. But I agree with him, they are wrong, what's going on in my head is wrong. I'm not someone who's overly politically correct, and I'm more than happy to admit that I'm a bit screwed up. But of course, the big question, how?"

"I'm what you call a dream come true when it comes to a psych Q&A because I'm as close as you can get to the full house. You name it and most likely I've struggled with it at one point. Depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, panic attacks, schizoaffective disorder and grief. Are we all familiar with those terms?" He checked, and received a flurry of head nods.

"Schizoaffective disorder? Yep?" Tyler asked, pleased to see everyone nodding along. "Good job then Prof, I usually get a room full of blank stares. Alrighty then, let's move on. So on the one hand I could have prepared an hour long PowerPoint presentation on my life, but that requires a lot of work and also I have the IT skills of a 10 year old. Actually my 9 year old son had to teach me how to sync my iCloud last night so I take that back - I'm worse than a child. And also one of the problems with receiving a whole load of information in one go is often the stuff you get is not the stuff you want. So guys, tell me what you want to know. Q&A style. For all you anxious folk out there - trust me I get it - feel free to scribble down a question on a scrap of paper and pop it on the front of the stage. And for the rest of you, I'll just take questions from the floor. I'll give you 3 minutes to talk amongst yourselves and write out your questions then we'll begin."

The crowd erupted into conversation as Tyler unhooked his mic system and set it down on the table they had provided. He walked over to the edge of the stage and sat down, legs hanging over. Todd stood up next to him.

"Was that okay?" Tyler asked quietly, breathing out.  
"It was awesome Ty." He nodded grinning.  
"Yeah?"  
"Yes," his boyfriend repeated. "You look so at ease and natural, amazing job babe,"  
"Thank you," he sighed out before smiling and looking up at the theatre full of people, some of whom had begun to walk up and put folded slips of paper on the stage next to him.

"William's going to be happy when I tell him you spoke about him." Todd told him.  
"Yeah," Tyler agreed, "If this overruns and you need to leave to pick him up from school then that's alright, I'll get the train and meet you back home."  
"Okay thanks darling,"

"Tyler, hi, sorry to interrupt," a ginger haired guy began, standing by them. "Just wanted to say that I went to your speech for the charity the other day and honestly, it blew me away. Basically haven't stopped thinking about it since. So yeah, I'm pleased you're back and really looking forward to the rest of your talk."  
"I remember, Joel right? We spoke afterwards?"  
"Yeh,"  
"Well thank you that means a lot, I'm glad to be back too. Hope this isn't too much of a repetition of last time," Tyler smiled.  
"No no I'm sure it won't, and I wouldn't mind even if it was. Like I said, it thoroughly blew my mind." He grinned.

"I remember you had a lot of questions last time so hopefully we'll have time to get to them all this session. And if not then we can always arrange an opportunity for you to grill me another time - tutoring as such." The older offered.  
"Oh wow, that would be great, thank you so much,"  
"Happy to help."  
"I'm probably making a dick of myself but honestly, The Initiative and the charity and all these lectures you do after everything that happened, you're honestly amazing. Inspirational."  
"Thank you Joel,"  
"I'm gonna casually stop fanboying now and go sit down, but thank you again,"  
"Haha okay, well feel free to come see me at the end again,"  
"Thanks," the student smiled as he walked away.

"Am I dating a celebrity? Got your own little fan base?" Todd smirked playfully.  
"Wouldn't quite go that far, but they seem to appreciate hearing from first person experiences,"  
"Course they do Ty, you truly are inspiring." He smiled and Tyler had to resist the urge to kiss him in front of the whole room.

"You gonna get going again?"  
"Yep alright, wish me luck,"  
"Not that you need it, but good luck." Todd said, patting his thigh as they both walked back to their places.

As Tyler waltzed back over to the table, he scooped up two dozen bits of paper and smiled - pleased he had an interactive audience. He set them down next to the jug of water and reattached the mic system before climbing up onto the table and sitting comfortably relaxed.

"Alright thank you everyone. I'm gonna sit up here now to show you how young and hip and cool I am." He joked as the students fell quiet then laughed.

"Let's kick this thing off with a question from the floor, who wants to start? And I can't be doing with passing round mics so you'll just have to shout." Tyler called out to the crowd and saw a dozen hands rise. He gestured to a girl in one of the front rows.

"Hi, I know OCD has one of the youngest onset ages of any mental illness, I would like to know when yours first started?"  
"Okay good question, first what's your name?"  
"Robin,"  
"Robin, alright, everyone let's get names in the question please. So you asked about onset ages, and you were very right when you said OCD has one of the earliest. Don't suppose anyone knows the average age?"  
"6," "10," "12," "7," the crowd called out.  
"7, bingo, someone give that guy a sticker. Yep the national average age of people in the US diagnosed with childhood OCD is 7, keyword being diagnosed, but does that mean that's when most cases start? I think there are multiple things than need to be taken into account when you're thinking about when somebody develops a condition. Firstly, when they're professionally diagnosed. Secondly, when their families notice their behaviours. Thirdly, when the behaviours actually began. So of course I'll use myself as an example, after all that's what I'm here for." Tyler said before taking a sip of water from the glass next to him on the table.

"I wasn't diagnosed with OCD until I was 19, but my family knew something wasn't right from the age of about 6. My parents often tell tales of me arranging all my toys and books in certain ways when I was very little, how I would spend hours crying if my brother played with any of my things and ruined my organising. And I know what you're thinking - nice parents, whipping out those stories at parties, they must be popular." The group laughed.

"But seriously, now that they are very well educated on the condition, they are able to look back and say that things were obviously a symptom. However, everything's easier in retrospect. They can say that now but it didn't mean that they knew when I was actually 6, they just thought that was how I liked to play."

"Then finally, when the behaviours actually started. I think OCD is one of those conditions which is harder to actually pinpoint - opposed to something such as my first hallucination which had a definite date and time and start point. However, I do vaguely remember being about 6 years old in my parents' bedroom and it being the evening. They had these great long draping red curtains from ceiling to floor and because I was a helpful little boy I used to close them for my mom when it got dark. Well I went in and I pulled the left one across fine, and then I pulled the second so they met in the middle, but something in my head just told me 'Tyler they're not closed', so I did it again and again. Now I knew the left was definitely done, but something about the right side was wrong. I pulled them together and yet it was as if the curtains were still open. I could just tell that the remaining light was still coming through and that couldn't happen because I closed them and yet I was convinced it was happening so I did it again and again and again and again, desperately trying to close these two curtains."

"You have to bare in mind that this was 30 years ago, but I can still remember the panic I felt when I just couldn't close these curtains. I must have been trying for near to 10 minutes before my mom walked in and found me crying, then put me to bed like normal. So, in a rather long winded answer, I'm going to say I was 6 Robin." Tyler told her.  
"Thank you."

"Okay let's take another from you guys before I go to a paper one." He said, scanning the audience before pointing and nodding at a young man a few rows back.

"My name's Junior and I was wondering, what's your opinion on medication as treatment for mental health issues - both psychotic and mood?"  
"Meds, love em." He replied quite simply. "Who can name the main 5 different groups of medication? Shout them out."  
"Antidepressants,"  
"Yep,"  
"Antipsychotics,"  
"Yes, 3 more,"  
"Anxiety,"  
"What's the fancy word for anti anxiety? Anyone?"  
"Anxiolytic," someone yelled from the back.  
"Yep, A*. Well done Prof, you've done a great job with these lot. Right, final 2?"  
"Mood stabilisers,"  
"Yeah good,"  
"Sleeping pills,"  
"That is a type of medication yes, but not the one I'm looking for. I'll give you a clue, it's mostly used for ADHD."  
"Stimulants,"  
"Alright great, full house," Tyler smiled.

"So I've been on medication since I was 19 years old and I still take 4 pills every morning and 2 every night. To most of you, 6 might seem a lot, but during harder times I was on as many as 16-20 a day. But I haven't weaned myself down because I don't want to be on medication, I've been moved down because that's what my psychiatrist thinks I need. I'm more than happy to take them because they lower the chances of bad things happening. It doesn't eliminate, but it lowers and that's enough for me."

"I don't think that pills should be a substitute for other forms of psychological treatment, but they definitely help a lot of people. But more specific to your question Junior, you asked for psychotic and mood individually. A psychotic event is like any other medical event, and it should be treated with medicine just the same. I have daily medication for prevention of episodes, then PRN meds for treating them if they happen. It's my upmost belief that all psychotic patients should be advised to do the same. However on the other hand, I think choosing to take antidepressants for depression is a more personal decision."

"Depression is, at its root, a chemical problem. But the way it presents itself is all about mindset and outlook on life. If everything seems pointless and you can't see a reason to carry on living, a little pill isn't going to fix that. A few milligrams of fluoxetine isn't going to give you a sense of purpose. That's why I think the principle treatment for depression is compassion, which is something we focus on with the Hemmings-Joseph Initiative. Now don't get me wrong, you can't love an illness away - however knowing that someone else sees something within you that they deem worthy of love is definitely a good first step. And once you begin to accept that there are people who care about you and want you to get better, you start to build that motivation to work through things for yourself. Everyone finds different coping strategies beneficial, and some people might appreciate the added help of medication but not all. So for me, meds work with combination of other therapies for both my psychotic and mood conditions, but that's not the case for everyone."  
"Great, thanks," Junior replied, scribbling notes.

"K let's go for a paper question next - oh and by the way if anybody has another paper question then feel free to throw it on stage. If you manage to get it on the table then I'll answer it straight away - front of the queue priority. Or alternatively just subtlety put it down at the front." Tyler said, readjusting his seating position as he reached across and picked up a folded strip.  
  
"Do you have a fixation number? Yep, I won't go into detail because if you know the term then you must've covered it in class, but I've had two main ones. Mostly I've been stuck on 4 and multiples of 4, then when I was a teen I got a bit obsessed with 500 too for a while. Alright that was pretty quick so let's do another written question."

"Aha, I always get this one but it's always on paper because nobody wants to ask, but honestly guys, it's okay to talk about these things." Tyler explained after he read it. "The question is: how has bereavement influenced or impacted your mental health? Okay so this is quite a meaty answer so settle in folks, make yourselves comfy."

"With regards to bereavement, there are 2 losses in my life that I would say majorly impacted me. Now of course I've lost grandparents and distant family members for whom I grieved appropriately, whereas these 2 were each sudden and knocked me down significantly. I hope you guys don't mind if I take some time establishing a bit of background?"

"I went to high school, well actually I went to two - I transferred as a ploy by my parents to drag me out of my depression - but when I went to my second high school I had two friends. A girl, called Debby, and a guy, Liam. They'd known each other since birth, houses on opposite sides of the street and basically lived in each other's. They were best friends and knew absolutely every single intricate detail about each other, closest friendship I've ever seen, and when I met them they had been dating for a year and a half. Now, I know what you're thinking, intense relationship so they probably scared off outsiders, but not at all. Hands down the most welcoming and inclusive two people I've ever met."

"Debby, she was like a social justice warrior, you know the sort. Always defending the underdog and tutoring underprivileged kids and volunteering for suicide hotlines and helping at soup kitchens and running youth groups. Basically the kindest and most generous person ever. And then there was Liam. Now Liam didn't have quite the same level of social awareness as Debs, but damn, he tried. He was the sort of guy who you could offhandedly say something to and then you would see him the next day and he'd have spent 8 hours researching it and be a complete expert. He was passionate too, passionate about his faith, about drumming, about Debby. They were basically the perfect two people to adopt a little anxious depressed transfer student. That's me by the way."

"So they took me under their wing, actually did a really great job of helping me through the anxiety and depression I was struggling with at that age. It goes back to what I was telling Junior - knowing that somebody cared just made you care about your own wellbeing a little more. And things were going great, I made the school basketball first team and I was pushing myself by doing things like travelling around the state with the team, and I began performing my music in front of class and talking to the scary cashiers at Target by myself. Little things that really added up. I can't even begin to explain how happy these two people made me, about all the sleepless nights the three of us had where we just laid in my front room and they would listen to me talk for hours and hours about this sort of stuff, just listening patiently. They cared and they worried and that mattered. It made me believe I mattered."

"But then, plot twist, I went and fell in love with Liam. I loved them both of course, but I reaaallllyyy loved Liam. My young gay immature heart yearned for him in a way that can only be understood by those who have felt the same way. I knew they were together and I never wanted to get in the way of that, but I needed Liam more than anything and eventually there came an evening where it was just the two of us alone together and I couldn't take it anymore and I kissed him. And, dun dun dun, he kissed back." Tyler told the audience, who all listened closely.

"Now, if you remember from earlier, I told you that Liam was very passionate about his Christian faith, and that obviously contradicted my sexuality and what was now being revealed as his too. He really really struggled with it. He didn't speak to me for about 3 weeks and there was a brief moment within that time period where I genuinely thought he was going to do something really stupid and hurt himself. This usually optimistic and hopeful guy was an absolute wreck, and of course Debby caught onto that."

"Going back to earlier, I also said that they knew every single detail about each other. So Liam eventually confessed to Debby what happened, but she already knew. She didn't know in a literal sense, but she had seen the way we were together before and after and she sort of figured out that something had happened. Liam told her, she broke up with him, everyone was very sad. But of course, Debby being the way she was, she put aside her own disappointment about the collapse of her two year relationship and focused on helping Liam through processing his sexuality. Of course she was hurting, but she swallowed that down and helped Liam to accept himself as bisexual and then encouraged him to talk to me."

"Fast forward 6 months and Liam and I have been dating for 5. It was by no means the easiest thing in the world for any of us, but we made it work and they were some of the best months of my life. We were happy together. And of course things were a little awkward with Debby at times but the three of us communicated and did our best to figure things out. There was a little less of the three of us just hanging out, Debby found it easier to spend time with her girlfriends and we totally understood that."

"I'm actually very proud of how well Liam and Debby coped with the situation, and after about 6 months they were back to being best friends - not always with me there but that was okay. And one of the biggest things Debby did for us was cover for Liam to his parents. Now the thing you have to know about Liam's parents are that they are insanely homophobic, and Debby did an amazing job of saving him from them on several occasions. However we must have slipped up at some point because somehow they found out about us."

"Now I'm very conscious of the fact that I've been talking for almost 10 minutes and I'm nowhere close to answering the question, so I won't go into much detail for the next bit. Basically I went to his house and his dad opened the door and immediately I got knocked to the ground, then had the door repeatedly smashed shut against my head and I was kicked half to death then left on the doorstep to die. Liam came home and found me, called an ambulance and I was in hospital for 11 days."

"I know it wasn't the question, but regardless, I suffered a form of PTSD after the attack. Firstly it took me a long time physically to be able to use my body again, but after that I was still unable to do a lot of things. I couldn't open doors. I would get to a door and then bam, flashback, Bill would be right there and he would be cracking my skull over and over again. I'd sit on the floor having a panic attack for hours sometimes because I'd be effectively trapped in a room. It got so bad that my parents actually had to buy about a dozen doorstops and enforce a rule at home that all doors had to be kept open for me. It was horrible."

"Meanwhile Liam was taken in by Debby and her family, and they did their best to protect him, but of course it was just over the street from Liam's house so his family saw him. They went over and chased him out of Debby's house too. He felt so guilty about what happened to me that he slept on the streets rather than coming to find my family. But eventually he got desperate and of course my parents took him in straight away."

"So Liam lived with us and it was actually sorta perfect. We were so so careful to begin with, but spending so much time together just meant we fell further and further in love. Things again weren't easy, I actually had my first hallucination during those months, but Liam gave me that sense of purpose I was talking about earlier. It was our messed up version of perfection."

"We all graduated from high school and the three of us spent the first half of summer together just doing cliche summer things. For all we knew, we had been through the hard stuff and now it was the beginning of a whole new chapter. We all got places at the universities and colleges we wanted, Debby got an academic scholarship to study journalism, I got a basketball scholarship to college and planned to take English, and Liam got a place studying law. Then, like the flip of a coin, everything changed."

"I was at home with my brother Zack, playing basketball, and I got a call. It was Liam in absolute hysterics. I could barely understand what he was saying but I could tell something was wrong with Debby and it was bad. My mom drove me and my brother to the hospital and the three of us quickly found out from the receptionist where she was."

"Debby was driving and a drunk driver, at 2 in the afternoon, rammed into the side of her car. We were the last to arrive, her parents and brother were already there and so was Liam. Nobody was allowed in the room so we all just stood in the corridor, completely silent. Liam was the other end, I don't even know whether he could see me he was crying so much, and her family were stood by the door to her room. I remember it so clearly, the door opened and they went in, Liam ran and went in too, and then it shut. I stood there silently with Zack and my mom, completely silent. Then this scream. Next thing I knew, the door swung open and I could hear her parents sobbing and Liam just sprinted out. He sprinted straight past us and out of the corridor, and I tried to go after him but my mom put a hand on my shoulder and held me back and I instantly burst into tears. Anyone who heard that scream would know that it was the scream of a mother losing her daughter."

"Debby died on the 8th of August 2007, and I didn't see Liam again until July of 08. And basically that was the year I lost my nut. My mom and Zack and I all cried in the hospital for a while with her parents, after a few hours we made sure they got home safe and then went back to my place. I was a complete mess, crying just constantly and I didn't sleep at all for two days. I think because I'd always had a history of panic attacks, it was sort of autopilot for me to revert back to that. I was having panic attacks over absolutely everything and I completely stopped looking after myself, not eating or drinking or washing or sleeping."

"My mom, bless her heart, was of course so so worried about me and about Liam going missing, but she knew I needed to grieve. However it got to the 1 week mark and Liam still hadn't come home, and I was still refusing to do anything but cry so she decided to take action and try and help me. She tried to get me to leave the house, to eat, that sort of thing, but I completely rebelled against her. I can't explain why to you folks, but all of a sudden I absolutely hated her and I would do the complete opposite of whatever she wanted. She told me to sleep? I'd stay awake. She told me to eat? I'd slap the food away. She told me to shower? I'd lock myself in the basement. And for whatever reasons, grief and sleep deprivation most likely, my head convinced me that she was the enemy basically. And then that progressed into her trying to hurt me, trying to kill me, trying to get rid of me like she had gotten rid of Debby and Liam."

"As I was telling Robin earlier on, I had OCD as a child. It had become pretty mild whilst I relaxed into life with Liam and Debby, but now that they were gone it suddenly came back and hit me like a freight train. I spent every hour obsessing, there were compulsions but it was mostly obsessions. I thought Mom was out to get me, but most distressing for me was I became obsessed with the idea that Liam had killed himself. So I took it upon myself to find him, to make sure he was okay, and to bring him home. Baring in mind the fact that I had barely eaten or drank since Debby passed away, I was a physical wreck. I tried to leave the house to go and get him, but almost collapsed running to the door and my mom had to pick me up. She sat me down in the living room and made me some pasta, hugging me whilst it cooked, then gave me some space to calm down and eat it. But no, that thought had been planted in my head and I knew the food was poisoned and I knew Liam needed me to find him. So I threw the food on the floor and ran out the house again and began frantically searching for him."

"And that turned into a bit of a cycle. Being absolutely terrified of my family and absolutely desperate to find Liam. It might not be the most admirable thing to admit, but by this point I was barely even thinking about Debby anymore, I was just fixated on finding my boyfriend. Everyday I would walk and walk round Columbus, looking in every house and park and restaurant and arcade and parking lot and you name it, every place we had ever been together. But no luck."

"Constant failure combined with both genuine and excessive fear for Liam's wellbeing pushed me over the edge and I fell back into old habits that I had always relied on before I met him. I began to cut myself again, and before long it became part of my daily cycle."

"The time came for me to go off to college, but I could barely get through an hour without a panic attack and I was still crying pretty much constantly. My mom told them I needed to defer a year and they accepted that, and she also said that she needed me to focus on getting better again. She used to be a school teacher so she took time off, and basically did her best to look after me. But I was completely submersed in this idea that she was trying to kill me, so being forced to spend my entire day with her just made me more and more hysterical to the point where I was desperate to escape - and I often did. I'd do anything to be back out on the streets looking for Liam, and that included things like climbing out of 2nd story windows. And probably the worst bit? Mom couldn't calm me down and reassure me that he was okay, because nobody knew."

"At the end of September my mom did actually force me to go and see a doctor. She explained to him that my best friend died and I hadn't been the same since, and I couldn't sleep or stop crying or having panic attacks. Basically I was dismissed as grieving and she was told that it would be difficult for a while but I would get past it eventually, then I was sent home."

"Credit to her, my mom didn't give up. She tried her best to watch me as much as possible, but I also have three younger siblings who also needed comforting and to be cared for, so there were still enough opportunities for me to do some serious damage to my wrists and also to roam the streets."

"So a little recap, beginning of October marked two months since Debby's death and since I last saw Liam. I wasn't sleeping more than a few hours a night and I rarely ate so I lost a lot of weight. I was having multiple panic attacks a day triggered by an irrational fear of my mother and thoughts of Liam dead. I was also self harming every single night and spending all day outdoors hunting down Liam."

"Then, in the middle of October, things changed again. I was doing my usual check of the park where Liam and I used to go on lots of summer strolls together, when suddenly I saw something in the tree across the other side. I sprinted over to it and, sure enough, there he was, hanging from a noose on the branch above, blue in the face. I of course burst into hysterics and proceeded to break 4 knuckles whilst punching the tree trunk. I screamed and cried for a while before sprinting straight back home as fast as I could."

"I told my mom what I saw and she began to cry as well before asking me to take her to him so that we could talk to the emergency services she presumed someone would have called. I was still hysterical but she helped me into the car and we went back to the park and to the tree, but when we got there he was gone. I checked multiple times but I definitely had the right tree. She asked nearby people whether anybody knew what happened but nobody could help us, so instead she drove us to the police station."

"The police told her that there hadn't been any reports of bodies in the park, and they called all the hospitals in the surrounding areas but there was nothing. However they told her that there had been a development in the missing persons case she had filed after Debby's death. They had managed to track Liam to Singapore airport and had CCTV footage of him getting on a transfer flight, but they were yet to trace him any further than that. My mom eventually realised that I must have had another one of my hallucinations, and took me home."

"This was actually the second hallucination I'd had, the first was about 3 months after I was attacked by Liam's dad. I won't go into detail, but I was at a party and I saw soldiers. Liam explained what happened to my parents and they took me to a doctor who referred me to a mental health unit. I saw a therapist a few times and met a psychiatrist but I was never actually diagnosed with anything or start any treatment because it was a one off event and it wasn't causing me any issues, so I had a report made on it but other than that we didn't really pursue it any further."

"However of course my mother remembered it clearly and recognised that it must have started happening again. She took me home and tried her best to explain to me that I was poorly and what I saw was just in my head, and that actually Liam was taking a little holiday in Singapore but I had to look after myself until he came home. But I was having none of it. I knew it, I knew Debby was dead and now I knew my boyfriend was dead. And I had had enough."

"My mom stayed with me constantly for about 48 hours after I saw his body. She slept in his bed from when we used to share a room which upset me further, and I had panic attack after panic attack as that image of his blue face burned into the backs of my eyes. I couldn't cut myself because she literally didn't leave my side, but I began reopening wounds with my nails when she looked away and it sort of helped because it distracted me."

"But I didn't need a distraction, I decided I needed to die too. So the moment my mother left me alone for a brief moment to go and answer the phone, I climbed out my window and ran and ran. Eventually I ended up in a forest and I tied my belt around a tree branch and attempted to hang myself."

"Now, to this day, I still don't know what happened or how I ended up in hospital, but I woke up the next day to a hospital room full of crying family members. And my first thought wasn't thank god I'm alive, it was thank god Liam had come back. Because sure enough Liam was there too, stood at the back of the room."

"I think you guys have probably cottoned on to what was happening, I was hallucinating. And that cycle went on for months and months and months. I began to see Liam everywhere, sometimes alive but usually dead, and I was desperate to die. I lost count of how many times I tried to kill myself, but it was multiple times a week."

"I was put under a 72 hour mental health section on several occasions because the staff at the hospital deemed me a risk to myself, but no mental health units would take me as a patient because I didn't have any diagnoses and also I was a non-compliant. And that just meant that the repetition would continue and continue."

"Not much changed really from October to May time, except me getting more severe in my actions. My escapes from the house usually ended with me staying out on the streets overnight, sometimes for a couple of days. And whilst I was out on the streets I picked up some very very bad habits, alcohol and drugs were introduced into my routine which only furthered my decline."

"At this point I was completely submerged in my psychosis, unable to recognise that I was hallucinating and completely oblivious to what was real and what wasn't."

"When I wasn't attempting suicide, I was self harming. I was cutting extremely deep and began to burn myself and tie ligatures too, and if I didn't have any blades or lighters or cord then I had a habit of jumping off things. I would climb up high then jump down onto hard surfaces without bending my knees in an attempt to break my legs basically, or at least send those shooting pains up me."

"I'll be honest guys, I don't remember the majority of this time. I was recently given access to my hospital file and I read about me being in comas for 3 days here and 2 days there - almost a regular occurrence. I had 9 major surgeries on my left arm to repair all the damage I did when I cut through muscles and arteries. I was in hospital with hyperthermia and malnutrition and suspected overdose after I ran away and didn't eat for 8 days. Basically, you think it and I did it."

"A moment ago I said that I didn't improve from October until May, and that's because it was in May that I started talking to my mom again. My family did their best to control me but I was a very strong very violent 19 year old athlete and there was no way they could stop me if I set my mind on leaving. However in May, apparently I had a panic attack and then afterwards I climbed into bed with my Mom."

"Now I don't remember this at all, it was just what she told me, but apparently I cried like a little boy and she held me as though I was one. It was the first time I had willingly let her touch me in months, and she always sees it as a bit of a turning point."

"It wasn't as if I suddenly recovered because of that one event, but my mom found a new lease of hope in it and I'm very grateful to Psychotic Tyler for doing that because otherwise I'm fairly certain my family would have fallen apart. I owe my whole life to that woman, truly I do."

"Anyway, I remained very sick but between May and July, my mom worked really really hard with me and I slowly learnt to say the word hallucination. I couldn't say what was real or anything like that, but she taught me to ask the question 'real or my head?' for near enough everything. I vaguely remember her making me practice with things like fruit and jackets. Real or my head? Then she would tell me real. It might seem silly to you guys, but she was trying to make it become a habit so that eventually I would ask and the answer might be my head."

"It took a while but I did begin to say it. Of course next I would have a horrible day and end up getting drunk and jumping off tall walls, but at least it was a little improvement."

"Then on one day in July, I went to the mall with my mom. I asked her if the bag in her hand was real or my head. She said real. I asked her if the little girl called Ruby on the escalator was real or my head. She said my head. I asked her if Liam sat outside the coffee shop was real or my head. She said real."

"So I'll summarise very very quickly what happened next. Liam came back to our house and my family learned that he went to Asia to cope with his grief but he was doing remarkably better so he had come back to Columbus. I on the other hand refused to believe he was real. I mean I had only just learnt that the Liam I had been seeing was my head, so why should I trust that one?"

"A few weeks later I was admitted to a psychiatric intensive care unit where I was a sectioned patient for 14 months. I took things very slowly once I came home as I struggled very severely with anxiety, but I had thankfully managed to get a hold on my psychosis with the combination of medication - that I still take - and therapies."

"I very cautiously rekindled my relationship with Liam, which was no mean feat because we were both very different people after Debby's accident. But we soon learned that we were two people who loved each other. Of course there were horrible bumps along the road, some of which landed me in hospital again on a low security psych unit, but somehow we made it work and we got married." Tyler told the crowd, looking up to see a few smiles and a few tears. He breathed out and gave himself a break after all the talking he had been doing, then poured himself a glass of water and downed it before beginning again.

"Now anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm a hopeless romantic, and as I'm sure you can tell, I could easily talk for hours and hours about Liam and my relationship. But there's only a limited amount of daylight left, and it wasn't the question. Therefore I will summarise Liam as my safe place, my constant reason to fight, my every present reminder that the sun will set and still rise again no matter how bad my day was. In fact, to me, Liam was the sun."

"Liam died on the 30th of December 2015." Tyler said, and watched as a few members of the crowd wiped silent tears from their faces and others sighed deeply.

"Car accident, same as Debby." He continued, and saw a young female student at the front begin to cry.

"He died whilst I was already in hospital. I was in my fourth admission, and it had been prompted by me struggling with hallucinations but mostly with severe obsessive compulsive disorder. Liam was the only person, I repeat, the only person, who understood what was going through my mind at the time. He was the only person who made it all stop, made it better, made me better. If I hadn't had had the hospital already in place as a safety net then I very much doubt I would be stood here at all."

"When you live with a condition such as mine, an illness where you're constantly receiving two separate and contradicting sets of information, it's as though you're living in two universes at once. There's this life that I lead which is the same as yours, then there's this whole other version of reality where trees wave good morning to me and monsters chase me in the night and orange lights line the paths I walk. And leading a double life can obviously be quite complicated, quite difficult to keep track of what's actually happening and what's this second world. It's very important for me to have as many anchors to reality as I can possible create. As of today I have 21 specific anchors. I'm not going to tell you what they are, it's a very personal thing, all I'll say is they are things that are very important to me and keep me grounded and tied to what's real. Now I have 21, but back then I had one. My one anchor was Liam and when that was snapped, I spiralled out of control."

"I hit a whole other rock bottom, there are no words that could possibly explain what it's like to lose your husband. Of course it impacted my mental health, I relapsed with regards to absolutely everything I've ever struggled with, and I remember very specifically that there was a day when I spoke to my mom for the first time in about a month. I only asked for one thing, I asked for her to discharge me. She knew I would kill myself, and she genuinely contemplated letting me go. If anything represents the pain I was in, it was the fact that even my mother considered letting me end it all."

"But I hope you guys don't mind if I don't dwell on that, but I instead talk about how I managed to get to the point where I am today. Just as I had the turning point with Debby, I had a turning point with Liam. I had been moved to an intensive care unit and I was by far the sickest I've ever been, being put in physical restraints for hours each day, a tube down my nose to be fed through, injections every few hours to knock me semiconscious. Then my brother found a really old letter Liam had written, and by complete coincidence it fit the situation perfectly. He had written about his grief over Debby, and it matched perfectly how I was feeling towards him."

"Just as it wasn't with Debby, it was by no means an overnight fix, but it did remind me that Liam's life ending didn't mean mine had to too. That's not what he wants. So slowly but surely I started engaging in my treatment, then letting myself think about the future and set goals. It wasn't on a grand scale, it wasn't to go back to work or anything like that, it was simple stuff. I set myself the goal of getting dressed the next day. Or the goal of drinking a glass of water, or saying thank you when a member of staff opened a door for me."

"Goals like that might seen tiny, but by letting myself think about the future on any scale, I therefore allowed myself to entertain the idea of me having a future at all. And that was a big deal."

"Once I had moved up to making big plans, I hoped to be living with my parents by September of 2016, but in reality that was just too quick and I ended up living in hospital for a lot longer than that. It took a loooott of work by me, but also a hell of a lot by my family, but eventually I transitioned back home. I gave myself time and I was patient and didn't push myself too far, so by February of 2017 I was stable and ready to be back in the community."

"Of course there's absolutely no such thing as plain sailing, I found challenges at every single corner, but I also found hidden pockets of joy as well that I never expected I'd ever feel again. When I say it took me time, I mean it took me literally years, but I'm still going steady and taking things carefully. I'm still looking after myself."

"When I imagined my life after Liam, my main goal was to be living comfortably with my parents. I aspired to being well enough to living with my parents, I never expected any of this, and I'm so pleasantly surprised every morning when I wake up in my family home."

"I have my own family now. I have a fiancé, sat in this auditorium right now, who has been nothing but supportive of me. He even said he will happily stay engaged for the rest of our lives if I decide that husband is the title I want to share with Liam alone, and that's just the tip of the iceberg for things he does for me. And he's shared his child with me, my very own son, William."

"William is such a motivation for me, words can't explain. Firstly his constant positivity which can only be described as infectious. Then secondly, and perhaps a little more deep, is that William is my sense of purpose. He's my child, he needs me, he relies on me. I have a duty to him to look after myself and keep myself healthy, because he literally cannot survive without me. I have to stay on top of my mental health constantly because William is counting on me to keep him safe and well and healthy. And having a little life depending on you is most definitely a reason to wake up in the morning."

"And to add to that, Todd and I have a little girl on the way. It's a little different to straight couples having a child on the way, but we are in talks to adopt a beautiful 3 year old called Isabel. She's another person who needs me, another reason to stay alive."

"Of course life hasn't been without its hiccups, and I'm not expecting the future to be without problems either, but I've learnt how brave I actually am and I'm prepared and ready to tackle whatever the future's got in store for me. I've got a whole army of people who are standing by ready to help me whenever I need them, and to love me no matter how I'm doing. I'm doing it for them, doing it for those I've lost, but I'm also doing it for myself. I deserve to live a happy and fulfilled life, regardless of what's happened, and I'm determined to do that."

"Now, by my watch that's our hour up. I'm really sorry that I only got round to answering 4 questions in the end, but a quick show of hands, who still has questions?" Tyler said, and almost every single person in the room raised their hand. He smiled to himself and took another sip of water.

"I'll have to check with the professor, and I understand some people might have other plans or classes to attend, or simply don't want to be here, but who would be interested in perhaps staying a bit longer? Getting through some more questions?" He asked, and again every hand went up. Tyler looked over to the professor who nodded and gave his permission.

"Alrighty then, sounds like a plan. I need to rest my voice for a bit, so why don't we take a 10 minute stretch break and then we'll start again." Tyler decided before taking off his mic and walking off the stage and over to Todd again.

"You good?" Todd asked, taking his hand.  
"Yeh," Tyler nodded.  
"That was absolutely amazing, and I'm so proud of you Ty,"  
"Thank you," he smiled, kissing him quickly on the lips.  
"I wish I could stay, but I've got to pick up William,"  
"Honestly don't worry, it means so much that you came for this bit, thank you,"  
"I gotta dash, but we'll talk more later at home yeah?"  
"Okay, say hi to William,"  
"Will do," Todd said, smiling proudly before picking up his briefcase and kissing Tyler again then walking out of the hall.

Tyler sat down in Todd's seat and relaxed for a moment before hearing the sobs of the girl he had caught crying earlier on whilst he was speaking. He had seen a few other tears, but the woman was properly crying and Tyler could soon tell that she was hurting for her own reasons. He stood up and walked along the row, standing in front of her.

"Hi, would it be okay if I sat here?" Tyler asked the crying girl, gesturing to the seat next to her. She nodded as she wiped her continuing tears.  
"I'm sorry," she whispered.  
"Hey that's okay, you've got nothing to apologise for. Can I ask your name?"  
"Marcy,"  
"Listen, Marcy, I might be grasping at straws here but would I be correct in saying that you've been through something personal similar to me? Usually people wouldn't get quite this upset," he asked carefully and she took a moment to herself before nodding.

"My brother,"  
"In a car accident?"  
"Yes," the girl confirmed tearfully, face crinkled.  
"What's his name Marcy?" He asked, but she couldn't answer.

"That's okay, I won't force you. Liam, Liam's name is actually Josh. He uh, well his full name is Joshua William and saying Josh is always going to be hard for me. My son's name is William, so I can't call my husband that either, so I finally settled on Liam as a shorter version. I find it helps, being able to talk about him without having to put myself through every ounce of pain every time."  
"Yeh," the crying student murmured as she wiped her eyes again.

"How long has it been?"  
"5 months,"  
"Wow, pretty recent, do you talk about him much?"  
"Daryl,"  
"Does Daryl get to hear you talk about him ever?"  
"No," she cried quietly.

"Have you been to see Daryl's grave?"  
"Once,"  
"Too hard?"  
"Too hard." Marcy agreed emotionally. "Does this get easier?"  
"Not overnight no." Tyler told her honestly. "And probably not in the next month, but eventually it will. You just need to be patient with yourself Marcy, it's going to take a really long time to process and adjust, but I know you will. I mean I'm definitely still working on losing Josh and it's been 9 years. I don't think things will ever feel the same again, but maybe that's okay - does that make sense?"  
"Yeh,"  
"If everything was easy and you could go straight back to normal then that would mean that he didn't impact your life, but he did and he still does. He's always going to be your brother Marcy, that's never going to change. Josh will always be my husband, and that's something that makes me feel very proud. However we've both got another 50 60 years left in us still, so we need to find a way to keep them in our hearts but not in our way."

"I still think I see him in his room sometimes, but he's never there," she whispered.  
"My son, step son, was born three days after Josh passed away. His name is Josh's second name. The way he writes his letter E is the same. They both like cats with a passion. Sometimes I see Josh, not in a psychotic way, but I see Josh in my son. I can convince myself that it's him reborn if I try hard enough. Marcy it's normal to misinterpret things when you're mourning, don't be harsh on yourself about it."

"My mom thinks I should see a counsellor,"  
"And what about you? What do you think you should do?"  
"I know I should, but I can't do it,"  
"Would it help if I told you what a grief counsellor would probably ask you?"  
"Please,"  
"They'd ask you what happened to him, what you were doing at the time, where you were when you found out. Then you'd talk about him, did you get on? What was he like? Afterwards they would probably ask what's been happening since he passed, how things have been with you and your family. As well as those sort of questions, they'd make sure you're eating and sleeping and getting out of the house and just generally taking care of yourself."  
"Yeh,"  
"Do you think you'd be up for that?" Tyler asked.  
"I don't know,"  
"It's okay, you don't need to make up your mind now. And grief counselling isn't for everyone, grief is such a personal thing and if you find that other ways to deal with it are more useful then that's definitely okay. Just make sure that you are dealing with it rather than just shoving it down and suppressing it all the time, became otherwise eventually it's all going to build up and explode."

"Did, did you find it helpful?"  
"In many ways yes, in some ways not to so much. My counsellor was very adamant that I refer to Josh in past tense, his name WAS Josh, he WAS my husband, that sort of thing, and I didn't like that so much. But I did find it better in the long run getting the opportunity to talk about him. Of course it was so so difficult to begin with, I mean I couldn't even think about him without crying for months and months, but eventually I began to let myself think about it and eventually talk about it until I reached this point where I can stand in front of hundreds of people and talk about him openly. It's not going to go away, he's never going to go away, but he doesn't always have to be a negative thing in my life."  
"Yeah,"  
"Listen, feel absolutely no obligation to do anything at all with this, but I'm going to write my number down, okay? Call me anytime and I'll answer I promise. You'll be surprised how much it helps just to have a voice on the other end of the line."  
"Thank you Tyler, it means a lot already."

**Author's Note:**

> So how exactly did this end up 10000+ words?? Oops, sorry  
> But I guess it makes up for my slow updates recently cx
> 
> Good news though, I've been discharged from hospital, yayyy. So I'm back home now, and that = more writing = more updates = less sleep :D xx
> 
> Thank you for your support, means the world xx


End file.
